It's Finally Here.....Our Spring is Upon Us......

Seems to me we've had a slow (low) spring this year in Toronto....I only noticed "buds"
on tree branches recently and April is almost done! Out the door at 4:45 am....I still feel
the chill....but the temperatures have no where to go...but up! I'm a weather optimist.......
The kids are more than half way through their 9 week course and this means a big break in June... Looks like I will work with the seniors and the children a month each this coming summer. I asked for it! Giving it all I've got is the only option. I look forward to the experience..... As we all know, the weather is like life...loaded with changes. Looking forward....if that's even possible, I see some positive moves on the horizon. Still no where to go but up for me....

Year Five.....aka...."A Nickel".....

It has happened so fast....or so it seems. Today we started another semester of the
"Cooking for Kids" program in the Beach and this is already the fifth year. There is
something of a time-warp sensation attached to this whole experience. I never had
any idea that I would be able to work with the younger set. A "good fit" describes it.
New faces in the mix this week makes it all the more enjoyable. The children have a
need to learn and all of the adults in their lives have the "task" to give them the best...
My good luck includes the opportunity to try to make a difference in one real area of
existence....feeding ourselves. They all went home today with Salmon, Rice and Salad.
I did the dishes.....all of them! It's my job......  :)

The Current Adults.....

On the home stretch with with the kids....2 weeks to go and then March Break....
Another program will be offered for a 6 week trial run, Cooking for Adults. This
will be a Saturday, late morning start, with an age restriction of 19 and over. It's
interesting to add another element to the experience that has shown such rewards
over the last number of years. If hours are added to the weekly workload it means
extra dollars. I will show the participants all of the same things the children have been
learning. There may be a few parents I've met, decide to register for this kitchen trip...
As they all have been, this will be another challenge for me. I'm fortunate to discover
totally new experiences that sometimes bear fruit. Time will tell how this harvest reaps.....

Lucky 13........

"No one knows all the answers, some days, we just do the best that we can......"
I swiped the line above from a song by an 80's band called "Go West". I was
reminded once, a few years ago, that we can't control the past. That only leaves
the right now for us to really work with. The future will be a combo of our current
behaviour and the luck we make for ourselves. The past year offered a number of
interesting new experiences and with any "luck"...the year to come will offer "riches".
I have the good fortune, once again, to share some kitchen skills with the youngsters.
We get started early in the new year, something I look forward to. My holiday season
was a generous one on many fronts. Lots of good cheer and spirit of man observed.....
So, on that note...to one and all......Happy New Year!

The Wind Up.....

The end of another year is upon us with Xmas just around the corner......
The kids classes are on hiatus till next year and the United Way campaign
is winding up. I've been busy as a bee with bakery business for weeks and
now the gradual slow down hits. We've had some good corporate sales of
late from the usual suspects. The level of support is quite amazing. Today I
had the pleasure of donning the white wig and beard along with the red suit
to play Santa at the Rec center. This was a first in my experience. It was fun.
I've got a cool catering event coming up that involves feeding about 15 women.
Now this is a challenge I can meet! Lots of events these days. This evening, the
memorial for an old friend's mother, who passed away recently, was held at a
funeral home. Food and drinks for the guests was a nice touch. We celebrated
her life with family and friends. It was the real wind up......

Normalizing........

I've been doing the rounds for the United Way these past number of weeks and when I
hear myself speak to groups of "corporate types" I realize that this is reinforcing the shift.
I was telling folks the other day that the drugs will always be available and that I had made
myself....unavailable! This is the basis of the "normalizing behaviour".....I make the choice
knowing where to get cocaine and decide not to. I do this every day for over seven years.
Could be the best decision I've ever made! There is still a lot of work to do as this is not a
re-building experience, it's a building from scratch deal. As an addict of the hard stuff, life
is altered dramatically. Volunteering in my community and working two jobs has become
the new normal. The polar opposite of the aformentioned altered life. If someone who is
struggling with a heavy addiction asks me how to escape, I'd suggest that they start doing
things that non-addicted people do. This is the route that shows the most promise......

96 Little Feet.....

On October 1st we begin again with the children. Looks like a full house this time.
With the added Monday class we've got 48 future adults "cooking" each week.....
A real pleasure for me to have all the available seats filled. What's not to like? The
kids will be the stars of the show, taking home the meals they made to show parents.
This is also the United Way season and I have been tapped for a few events. For me
the volunteer work still pays psycho-social dividends.....in the positive of course. Some
well-known social agencies and corporations have asked me into their world to tell them
my story of transition. It still feels comfortable to do so. The Bakery always plays a role in my day to day. The simple fact that I have to be there early, 4 mornings per week, is the charm. Both jobs and the community efforts are the stepping stones that keep me from falling in.....

A Special Need.....

The summer camp, 9am to 4pm, is at the middle point with 2 weeks to go....
It's been another eye opener. A couple of the students have had some special
needs. They have been integrated thru the registration process and the trick for
me, I discovered, was to become an "instructional multi-tasker". Go slower with
anyone who needs a slower pace to learn. By giving the more able youngsters a
little more to do, everyone is participating. Once again, this experience working
with the future adults, is of great benefit to me personally. I have had to adapt too.
Some days after work I think of the place I earn my living and the place I used to be.
The shift is dramatic and the layer of responsibility attatched is the driving force.....
I have my own special need......to challenge myself a little more.

Five and 10.....

Some months ago I realized that a deadline was necessary to start a work-out strategy.
I walk a lot but that just isn't enough. I picked today to begin and I went out for 10K
on the bike and walked another 5. This was easy to do on a holiday like today. The
goal is to see how many days of the week this can be accomplished.  There was that
wonderful "natural high" present after the bike ride down along the lake. Amazing how
the wind off the water feels just like an air conditioner. I really enjoyed myself and that
plays right into developing a habit out of the experience. Most of us gravitate towards
pleasure and shy away from pain so enjoying the trip makes it likely to happen again.....
The Summer Camp work starts tomorrow and runs for 8 weeks and that will keep me
hopping till September. I will give a 60 day update on the strategy....Till then...5 and 10.

Eight To 80......

Only three weeks till a new experience in employment crosses my path. I have been
hired to work the "Kew Seniors Camp" down by the lake for the month of July. How's
this for timing....Bakery from 5am till 8am then the camp from 9am till 3:30pm. A full
work day to be sure. The following month is the Kid's Cooking Camp. We are offering
twice as many weeks this year so I will be busy all summer and that's a good thing. The
life spectrum, working with both groups, young and older will be a great test for me. It
will require doing my best to meet the needs of such a wide variety of personalities. This
is the sweetest part of the challenge. On the other front, the Bakery has had a visitor from
France helping to restore some order and share his expertise. When I tasted the bread he
brought from his shop at home, it was a reminder of when I started out 7 years ago. Cool....
Some very good moves this spring all round. It is after all the season of growth.....

At April's End.....

This will be a short update to fill in the month's highlights. The kids are at the halfway
point in their cooking experience. I have been given a quick glimpse into what it takes
to be a parent. Patience and repetition of positive actions are the cornerstones. It is so
important for me to get a handle on this. Looks like we will add another class in the Fall
giving another 8 young people a chance to gain some kitchen time. More growth is good.
My hobby (pro stereo and extensive O.H.S. library) is in the final stages of development.
I'll need to upgrade speakers and power before it gets out on the road. Could be fun......
The usual tribulations and of course the trials have followed suit this month. Some say April
is the 'cruelist month'....but I found it to be 50/50.....you know...the glass half full.

Protecting The Success.....

It has begun again. A lot of new faces in the Cooking for Kids classes this week. Spring Sprint went off without a hitch this morning and of course I was part of the "hamburger team". Every year this event really shines. The weather sometimes differs. Great to be a part of the community. I used to be a part of a different community! It was a fantasy world...not the real thing. When I saw myself explaining to a six year old, how to peel and cut a cucumber yesterday...I knew I was home. For some reason, still unknown, I work very easily with a wide variety of young people. Maybe I'm child-like. After a recent discomfort in the workplace I realized that it is important to 'protect a success'.....I can expand on the work I'm doing now with the kids. Schools are filled with children in the 6 to 13 age group that could benefit from a few Cooking for Kids classes through-out the calendar year. I do feel motivated to increase my involvement working in the field. I see room for more personal growth and I'm grateful for the opportunities that have led to this point.. All of the people who have offered support....I know who you are!  And for that....I thank you....

The Future Adults.....

How fortunate am I to be working with so many young people creating meals
in a clean, professional environment.  For the second time this week I've had
the pleasure of an "assistant". A student from a local high school, needing some
40 hours for a volunteer assignment, is now in the mix. I have suggested 4 hours
per week as a means to an end. In 10 weeks, the job is done and I fill out a form
letting the school know the progress made to date. I think this is a natural course
of events for me, being in the 4th year working with the little ones. Young adults
in their mid-teens, can get a feel for what it's like to produce a meal from scratch
and present it to a paying customer. This next step in the Cooking for Kids program
is in the right direction. It expands on the existing idea of children learning a skill they
will use all their lives....namely, feeding themselves. Did I mention my good fortune?

Resolution.....

The English language has it's moments and this is one of them. Many people wait till
the start of the new year to make the "resolution". Often, a short time later, the "resolve"
evaporates. It is some kind of human nature, this pattern. I find it interesting that both
of the words in parenthesis above change. I see 'solution' and I see 'solve' as in....the
problem at hand. Six and a half years ago I put down the crack pipe and picked up the
oven mitts. I found a solution and solved a long standing problem. Not wavering on this
dramatic lifestyle alteration is the reward. I quit stopping. I took a stand with myself. On
this one issue there was no turning back. No sliding back. Other problems will keep me busy.

Holiday Season Edition.......

For some, not all, this is the Xmas season. It's all I've ever known. Snow is
usually associated with this time of year as well. Not yet. Here in Toronto
the trees are bare but so is the ground. Some warm days are still forecast....
A five week break from the kids, but once again, the seats are all taken for
the Winter session. I have promised new menu choices for 2012. Should be
fun for the future adults. Some nice corporate sales lately and as a solo artist
I've had a few catering jobs leading up to year's end. The speaking season is
over too and even the Bakery will be on "slower" in the days to come.  Another
year is fading fast. Let's see what we can do in the new one!

Strong Feelings.......

The initial transition took place many years ago. I was in the doctor's office and she
said it. I mentioned that an ex-girlfriend hated me. I was halted. I was told loud and
clear that the woman had "strong feelings" about me. An understatement I understood!
This particular attitude is one I have shared with the children in the cooking classes.
I ask them to let me know how they "feel" about certain ingredients in a dish we prepare.
We kick to the curb anything the collective votes out. The kids respond as people. Cool...
The best part about this little exercise is that the phrase "I hate mushrooms" has been
replaced with "I have strong feelings" about them. I get a smile inside when I hear them
talk like this. If we give them the best that we've got....we can't lose....

Positive Feedback.......

Something we all can use I dare say. I received a little today. Kind words from another.
It made my day and it came from a parent. Working with the children is having an effect.
Looks like I got a treat this All Hallows Eve. Lots of action in the neighbourhood tonight.
It's great to see some of the costumes, especially on the little ones. Once a year is what
makes it work. To that point it seems only right that I should share with you, in words, just
what my costume looks like. I'm dressed up as a "reasonably well-balanced person". This
get-up is hard to fit into and even harder to keep on! Every October 31st I try this on. You
can bet on it, I'll try again next year.

Giving Thanks......

We here in Canada seem to have our "official" day of giving thanks early. In comparison to our neighbours in the south, ours is an early fall affair. It is a beautiful day today and the colours are all the more appealing with the sun shining thru them. One thing that I'm very thankful for is the ongoing experience with the kids. Another big bunch signed up for the limited seats available. This is such a win/win situation for everyone. The corporate bread sales and events are strong every year in October. The support from the community is a real blessing. Sometimes we do something for others, without conditions and we can be thankful for that too. There are any number things that all of us can give thanks for. Recently, I was asked to participate in this http://vimeo.com/29248150  Being asked was the charm. For that, I'm grateful. As I'm sure you all know, none of the above would be possible if I was still a crack addict. I believe that this change is the thing I am giving the most thanks for at this time of year. Wouldn't you......

The Summer's End Report.....

You can feel it in the early morning, before dawn. It's that slight chill, nothing major but the signal is clear, fall is just around the corner. The colours will inspire. One of nature's highlights. I completed the Camp experience with the children. Learned a lot. I would do it again, if offered. I've got some pics of the kids in class and on the road. Totally cool. My work at the Bakery has been minimized. It's one of those things you just can't win. Options and alternatives are starting to surface. I really enjoy baking bread and hope to do so again. One thing that's live is the corporate bread sales. Bookings are picking up steam and the United Way has me doing my bit this week.  The after school program for the young people starts again in a few weeks and there is a new work enviroment. The kitchen has had a complete makeover. Good work in the community really took shape and we all benefit. Hats off to the Beaches Advisory Council and all who made it happen. I hope to promote a dance for a worthy cause before years end. Time to try something new......

Three Little Words.......

I did hear them. It was July 27th 2011. It was unexpected for sure. A surprise.
It is possible it was caught on video. More about those 3 words later......
Some years ago, my place of work had an expansion. Larger premises meant
increased capacity. A charitable community offered major funding. At a staff
meeting one day, a request for an early morning worker was made by management.
I was the only one to put his hand up. It fits my needs to be at work before dawn.
With my background considered, this was a healthy move to make. I've just been
told " the morning shift is not needed". It has been suspended I'm told.
"Serves no financial or business needs to the " enterprise. This is a change.
Life is full of them. Some good, some less blessed. For me personally this
change requires a great deal of thought. Time to reflect and evaluate direction.
I'll be teaching the children for the next two weeks. A break from the scene.
One thing's for sure, if times get tough with the kids, I won't say, "I don't care".......

Seventh Year.......No Itch.....

As I am about to cross the line into the seventh year without cocaine, I thought I
should share with you my IQ ( Itch Quotient ). Just how often do I think about
smoking crack and to what degree. Rarely and barely sums it up. A few times in
a year the devil rears up always to be knocked out by the "consequences". The
length of time "entertaining" the thought is minimal, as in seconds, till I move on to
safer internal dialog. These little blips are the remnants of the 2 1/2 decades of abuse.
At the beginning of the recovery process I was warned about the IQ. Knowing what
is coming at you, makes it easier to avoid a collision. A good dose of common sense
plays a role in the successful extinction of the addiction. There is nothing to be gained
by using. There is however, a whole lot to lose. Things do not....go better with coke.

Time Will Tell......

I had a spanner thrown into the works this past Friday. An economic issue. The worst
case scenario is there is zero flexibility and a good project gets away from me. As usual
there is always hope some type of shift will occur. This gets me to today's title. There is
no doubt that some patience needs to be applied to an uncomfortable situation like this.
Time will tell how this one lands. In that spirit I will sign off now and make this post my
first two-parter....I'll wait and see what transpires, then report back how it turns out.....
I was informed today, June 22nd, that things look "brighter". That's a very positive word
to describe the movement, the shift, I referred to above. Looks like this post is a three part
trip. I'll return once more to share the final act. Is all the world a play......?
Part Three....it looks good for the children. I'm booked for at least 6 cooking demos
in the month ahead. Then comes the big daddy....the 9 days of "Cooking Camp" is a go....
So there you have it......All the potential for a happy ending.

A Cool Day in June......

Rode my new bike down by the Lake this afternoon. It's always a good experience.

I remember back in the first year, without cocaine, I went to the Lake and something

hit me. I realized that the Lake was so big and I was so small. It gave me perspective.

That awareness has traveled with me for some time now. I am about to embark on an

intensification. I will be spending the first two weeks of August working with the kids.

Cooking Camp is on the front burner and I'm committed. This is all day not the usual

1 hour after school program. Looks like another rung or two on the ladder required.

A United Way event came and went this week. It went something like this. Crowd of

over 100 in the clubhouse of a golf course out of town....They laughed a little and they

listened a lot. When they heard what they liked, they applauded. It was worth it. The

community volunteer work pays dividends. It's just paid in a different currency.....

A Hot Day in May......

Many weeks have passed since my last posting. The last day of the month seems like a good time to get back to it. Not that I haven't been typing out a few words lately. Been spending a little bit writing album reviews at Amazon.ca. I stumbled on to the online CD business and I am happy to say that all of the old music I was looking for has been located. I thought they were lost forever but I was wrong. Rarely does being wrong ever work out so well! Price points from the online retailers beat out the downtown prices 90% of the time. I think this is called a good score. The classes for the children are down to the last two. I'll miss some of those smiling faces but as it's been for a couple of years, there will be new smiles in the fall. The Bakery is much the same. The outdoor farmer's markets are hitting their stride and the corporate sales have wound down. I've got a United Way event and a small catering job lined up in the days ahead, the good stuff. More good stuff lies ahead.....

April Showers Bring.......

You know the rest. What you may not know is that "I have a dream"......too. Dr. King's dream was a real big one, including so many. Mine is a small local dream. With the addition of another class for the children each week, a wave of ideas about growing this has  been unleashed. I went so far as to contact the Food Network by email. I gave them my soft pitch about a cooking show for children. This concept would have parents and kids in the audience and kids in front of the camera. Of course I have no expectations so if I don't get a  reply there will be zero disappointment. Besides, I don't give up easily. At least not anymore. Some tough days at work turned into a very successful Corporate sale on April Fools Day. The final tally was the third highest we ever recorded since the program began. The Bakery is very fortunate to have the support from so many. The outdoor markets are about to open up again and this will be good for us as well. Hopefully the almost all new team at the enterprise will be able to rise to the challenge.

The Springtime Post.....

Once again the season changes. We should be used to it by now. It's a lot like clockwork and I confess that this is my favourite time of year. I even looked for buds on branches today.  I seem to have my earthling moments. The daily temperatures head upward and so do the spirits. Nature puts on its' renewal show. Every year I get a rush just being in the audience. New challenges and experiences lay ahead to be sure. One little change is the opportunity to complete the week and add a 5th class for the children on Fridays. If the attendance  is there, it's a go. Bread sales are on the upswing as well. We are booked with corporate clients 6 out of the next 8 available dates. Great participation from the community at large. This is a good way to start the season. I have a few other irons at the fireside. Time will tell........

The Last Viable Decade.....

A comedian once said  "for men" the last viable decade to really succeed is from 50 to 60. I'm standing right in the middle of that one. Next level seems to be knocking. The cooking with kids classes for the spring session booked solid in short order and the summer cooking camp maxed out with 24 children who will all spend a week learning what I know about maneuvering in the kitchen. They will be with me for 7 or 8 hours a day. I'll be expanding my horizons to be sure. The kids will get a real shot at what it takes to feed people. They'll surf the grocery store flyers and shop smart. All the prep work will be theirs. The best part is taking home the meal they create each day. Pulling this off will require an extra effort on my part. I'm up to it and look forward to the challenge. A deeper level of responsibility is offered with this gig. Time to turn it up. I see a future in this type of work and I will be looking to expand on the existing program. It's worth it......

Fertile Ground......

A few of the children in the cooking classes had the opportunity to be part of a television
micro doc this week. From what I saw, they had fun. And that was the whole point. They got a chance to do something new in their lives. Making a difference in peoples lives and in the community as a whole has it's own set of silent rewards. When we give to others, no matter how small the gesture, we hit the humanity mark. I believe this is the fertile ground to build on.  All of my interaction with the kids has the added layer of responsibility. What I say and how I behave is seen by 34 young folks weekly. If they leave with more than they arrived with, then I've done my job. Looks like I'll have the chance to expand my experience with the cooking for kids program. A summer camp is on the horizon. Now we'll see what the next level feels like. And like the children's experience, that is the whole point.......

The Spirit in the Bread.......

Bread already has a good reputation on the planet and through time. My opinion isn't
going to push it forward very much. What I can tell you is that as a rehabilitative tool,
baking bread before the crack of dawn is a winner. It removes all that late night action.
I have to be in bed early to make it in for my shift. The willingness to do this is critical.
There is no room for excuses. Perfection is not a requirement, only the best I can give.
I take a semblance of pride home with me each time the loaves turn out right with my
added contribution. I play a smaller roll in production. My efforts in promotion are a
different story. I have found the honest connection between my job baking good product
and the end of the cocaine addiction. A realistic and dare I say healing proposition. More folks trying to kick a bad habit, might consider.... the spirit in the bread.....

The First 365......

It is the 1 year anniversary of web log. The first couple of months, output was stoked. As time passed through the year I dropped off the postings dramatically. I only have so much to say about ending the crack addiction. Most of the change is done in the trenches. Slugging it out with life on life's terms. A wise man  said "expect problems and eat them for breakfast". Sound advice in my books. This Internet experience of mine has been a good one for the most part. I have gained a skill. It has offered me a chance to share my story globally and develop strong business ties in the community. Can't ask for much more than that from the digital world. My typing style hasn't stopped me from contacting people through e-mail. I enjoy sending humorous paragraphs to folks who get the joke. Last but not least, I have to  tip my hat to Google. I've used their products all year with very positive results. THNX...

Still Fixing the Hole......

Addiction self-intervention (when I actually face reality) is the grand prize. Benefits abound. Unlike an organic mental deficit, drug abuse has an end. Clearly an individual's choice. No matter how we get to being hooked, there is the way out. Via self-observation and positive actions the bad seems to fade to grey. No one could say that it will be easy to change. Only a fool would say it can't be done. I have derived a great victory by admitting defeat.  I'm far more successful socially, without any cocaine products in my system. The proof is reflected in my daily experiences. This week I taught some children a few kitchen and cooking tricks, sold bread in corporate offices and I was asked to speak at couple of events. Next was the taping of a micro-doc at the Bakery for television and more. Completely the opposite of my previous addictive lifestyle. As I portray in the title of this posting, there is work to be done.



Don't Join the Circus.......Then Complain About the Clowns

It was a woman that expressed the sentiment in the title above the first time I heard it.

She must have a profile job.... working with a lot of men! Fact is she does and her wisdom

remains the same. Right on the money. I have a habit of orbiting some of the time. Less than

grounded could apply. The next step I routinely face is attempting to fix a problem. The moments at work when I feel uncomfortable will always be governed by the knowledge that the benefits out-weigh  the deficits. Sometimes in my cubicle, as it were, things happen that push the enterprise forward. The sales curve is just now starting to rise. Around Xmas, including the first weeks of January, we are always slow, but my faith continues. Our supporters in the community are calling again. Without the farmer's markets, our revenue  stream takes a hit. Whatever can be done to help, is worth a closer look. This is the attitude I've been mining for some time. Only the complaining has to stop....

As the New Year Approaches......

This is it. Last Chance Saloon. 2010 fades to black with some unfinished business. Rolling it over seems to make sense. Saturday offers a chance for resolutions. Why not settle for reality? I can think of 3 or 4 things that may well benefit from my immediate attention. Talking about it helps. I've got a new opportunity running just ahead of me. I can feel it and that makes it all the more appealing. Back to earth, I realize that it's just another day in the life. As days go.... today was a good one for the Bakery.... without giving anything away!
The year end.. from my perspective, has shone a light on what can be done with a little faith and action. I hope we all have a productive and successful year ahead. I'm going to put all I've got into it.....

From Addict.....to Asset

Stretch language in the title, but this best describes how I feel sometimes. Sales this past week from our corporate customers hit $3800.00. A good number and a sign for us that this strategy does have legs. If they don't come to the bakery, then take the bakery to them. My contribution is being the  point man with the people who organize the bread sales. I also bake some of the bread they buy. It is good to see that all of us at the bakery play a roll in making this work. In my past this could not have occurred. Corporate clients would not allow an active crack addict in their space and I would be too dysfunctional to pull it off. Today, I can interact with a large group of professionals and become a sales representative for the enterprise, making me feel like an asset. This is the change in lifestyle I was looking for. As a full time drug abuser, what I had to offer, nobody needed. Now, I have a few things to offer. The layer of responsibility required to work with the children is ongoing and the speaking engagements reinforce the change. Actions do speak louder than words.

Not Too Spaced Out....

Once upon a time, late 90's actually, I attempted College. George Brown was the venue. An eight month chef course was intended to put a halt to the crack addiction. The glass ended up half full.  I retained a great deal of information but alas, I didn't get the paper associated with completion of the studies. I was back on the pipe. The last class required a project to be handed in and I was nowhere to be found. So typical and predictable in the world of addiction. The good news is the knowledge I gained has seen me through to become an instructor working with wonderful children and to small catering jobs. All was not lost on the attempt. Taking the real part out of the past experiences and behaviours is part of the recovery process. I think so many of us can do other things with success. Trying them out seems to be the first step. In the past few years, I've discovered some of my magic. A figure of speech if you will. If we're here to see what we can do, probably time to get with it. Keeping options open and exploring new territory has a nice ring to it. The future holds some of our own making and without a doubt, a little of that universal push.....



Hands Holding Hands......

The unique environment that I work in has at it's core some very good bread recipes.

I believe that they were the original gift. Personally, I found an attachment to this concept.

From the outset something about the product caught my inner attention as it were. Hard to

describe the feeling except to say that it's real. Even when all seems lost the spirit of people 

building healthy bread shines through. I have learned a valuable skill over the past few years and find the job to be a stabilizing force in my day to day existence. I do other things for sure but to start the day in the bakery has a certain charm about it. Along with all this positivity  comes the challenge. Are there enough hands to hold the ones that need to be held? A social purpose enterprise has to have it's focus fixed. Without that edge to support people when you can the vision  becomes blurry. The chain develops it's strength with the addition of new links. If they are forged thoughtfully the benefits for all are enhanced. Today the bakery lost a link and with any luck another will catch the flame and come to hold out a helping hand.

The Other Side of the Fence......

Last Friday I found myself in the boardroom of large bank, sampling the products we bake

and speaking to some of the staff about my trip from the other side of the fence. Six years

ago I would not have been invited in, but that has changed dramatically. Giving up cocaine

has proven to be a choice decision. I know what it feels like to be an ex-crack addict and

that in itself is a tale to be told. Overcoming the major obstacle resonates with people and

continues to motivate me. Finding some peace of mind and attempting to keep it seems a

worthwhile pastime. I had to use that new found mental state on the job this past week.

Little time was wasted on anger and a couple of days later, something at rainbow's end.

Being on this side of the pickets requires a semblance of cool that develops over time.

In five, not so short years, a positive change has occurred in my life. Just like clock work

I get a letter from Mom reminding me that 5 and 5 is a perfect 10.

The Next Level.......

Where I work has experienced a major shift in staff of late. A positive step. More accountability. Along with these changes has come some real interest in next level sales strategies. Our corporate  sales initiative has grown some wings at exactly the same time that the farmer's markets have closed for the season. A couple of offers are on the table, some new clients for the Bakery. A good thing. I've been quite busy lately and that's also, a good thing. As I sail farther away from the old ways, life has more meaning. This creates a greater appreciation for what I've got and what is shared with me. Moving forward takes courage and insight. It's the only direction to go. There will be rewards as well. An upturn of good luck, some earned, has surfaced in the weeks past and present. I am fortunate to be able to reach so many people with the product in the community at large. Social enterprise at work. To each and every one of the volunteers and staff. "Keep up the good work."

Trick or Treat......

All Hallows Eve, one of the great rituals in some parts. Others are not as impressed or involved. Every year I tell people that I'm going out as "a reasonably well-balanced person". A costume that is difficult to get into and even harder to keep on. Now for the treat. I had a wonderful experience on Friday judging a pumpkin carving contest and sharing my story with a large crowd at the head office of a well known hotel chain. They know who they are. What a fine bunch. I really saw first hand some corporate smarts in action. These folks set a good example of how to do the right thing when lending their support for others in our community. In the years I have worked as a volunteer for the United Way, my "I'm impressed meter" hit the mark at the top of the ladder. The Bakery has shed a lot of negativity lately, so much so that I've returned to a place I left years past. The last two Saturdays I found myself working baking bread. Things have changed that much. Corporate sales are way up recently and I'll do all I can to continue that trend. It's my job after all. So to all of you ghouls and such, have a safe and Happy Halloween.

A New Psychological Framework.....

It has been written that those who fail to master the competencies of emotional intelligence, may suffer greater psychiatric risks. Substance abuse, eating and anxiety disorders have their way with some of us. I know a little about abusing substances. I also know a little too much about anger. I got mad today and  it turns out, as it often does, that I expended a lot of reactionary energy. Not the best choice once again. So with that in mind, I offer this from the library. Aristotle claimed, it is the rare ability "to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way." I see a goal. With so much of our individual troubles correctable, one gets a natural boost. The life I lived previously gives me a keen perspective on how to change one thing. The skills of emotional intelligence are teachable. Because I work with children, this has a certain relevence to me. Everything I share with the young people has to be from the heart. That's how I reach them. Seems like it's time to have the same cool with big kids too. As always...... I am a work in progress.

Time of the Season.......

One tree on my street is almost bare. That seals it. I don't need any more convincing. Fall explodes. The colours are, as usual, dynamic. October is a very busy month for Mother Nature. I've got quite a bit on my plate as well. Let's start with the future adults. A real interesting demographic to be sure. The children's cooking classes hit the 1 week mark...8 more to go. I met all of the kids this week. The best part about this job is definitely not the money. So rich is the experience of showing young people some knowledge, the real pay off is a sense of satisfaction. Enough said. The volunteer and  Bakery combination increase in activity in the months before year end. I'm hoping to expand my horizons with a new project. Just something to be able to enjoy doing part-time. Before I sign off this post, I really want to thank all of the folks who support the Bakery. Each loaf sold adds to the real world bottom line. The other bottoms and lines are covered when we meet our target. I believe that I can say this from all of us....we are grateful.

Living in the Moment.....

A productive week has just passed and it generated some good fortune. The corporate sales really hit it's stride. I watched a genuine problem at work right itself on Friday and the cooking for kids classes filled to the brim. The week ahead includes baking, speaking and promoting. I'm looking forward to working with the children a week from now. This job just keeps paying dividends. I'm very fortunate that a few things I'm capable of, are included in my day to day. A wonderful opportunity for the Bakery is on the horizon. We have growth potential this fall due to support from the community. It's up to us, to rise to the occasion. Today's title above is an observation about the little people that I share my simple cooking talents with. Kids aren't bogged down with all the psychological baggage that many adults carry. They really do live in the moment. I have noticed this in the class I teach and hope to rediscover that feeling. Why not?

Crackhead......

Hopefully, I'm not repeating myself.  My life has taken the proverbial 180. The turnaround has had a multitude of supporters. I've stated this before. When I was in the throes of the cocaine addiction I had absolutely no idea I would be in the positions I'm allowed currently. The person in the title above is no longer with us. A period of social evolution has occurred and the wake of life is easier to ride today. Turbulence is always cropping up and the old habit of dealing with it from behind a crack pipe is a thing of the past. When the going gets tough, I look for a solution. Taking the easy way out has been minimized. The run and hide approach to discomfort, just extends and compounds the problem. This past week I experienced some of the situations that require a strength of character. Giving up was not optional. I found myself standing ground. The mean spirited folks I encounter are just that. They are unsupportable. I often have to remind myself that others are not all good or all bad. It is often a combination of the two. As time passes it becomes easier to filter out the ones with their focus on the negative. They will always be close by. How close, is up to me.

And So It Begins......

At some point in August over the last few years, it happens . It starts out slowly and picks up steam. It is a force to be reckoned with. It is the start of the public speaking season and when
they call, I respond. The United Way has opened the door again. I walked through this week.
There were a couple of events in the last few days. I had a chance to dust off the old speech and get out there and present it to some decent folks in the community. One of the Big 5 even had a tour of the Bakery and a lunch at the Mission. The staff at work got together and welcomed our guests in a manner that can only be described as professional. It was a pleasure to be a part of it. My hat is off to them all. With any luck, we will get another opportunity to host again. It is good for morale and exposes new people to the product we all work so hard to promote. This is the 5th year that I have had the chance to volunteer in our fine city. It still feels good to be a spoke on this wheel. With the kids cooking classes reappearing at the end of September I could be in for an interesting fall. I'm going to take it as it comes. What else can you do?

A Good Example.....

Setting one is a virtue. Having failed this state many times in the past leads me to
be really excited when I succeed. I shared with the children some of my food prep
knowledge yesterday. I always try my best to give the kids a real time experience.
The Bakery is chugging along, but with a real positive bent starting to surface. The
bread will play an important role in the real near future. Yes it's true. The United Way
season has started to blossom. Two calls today to do the speech thing. This is always my
cue to get the message out about the fine product we bake. Every event is another
sales opportunity. Managed properly, these become a part of the whole. I also had to
stop to savour a moment this afternoon. I received a gift today. It is something I can use.
Clearly, the best of both worlds. On the back end, a recent effort went a different direction.
The kids camp that was proposed in June at a neighbourhood church did not take off. Strong
energy expended does not guarantee the desired result. I'm a firm believer that if we never
give up, we are setting a good example. And on that note, I wish you all the best.......

Troubles........in Paradise

You knew it was coming. The troubles. All the while employing an open mind, some of the
actions I repeat are, in a word....limiting. An honest moment in time will have me tell you
that I'm still addicted to tobacco. This is a daily. The bright light at the end of the tunnel
is when I'm working with the children, teaching cooking classes, the "problem" is absent.
I noticed this week that 5 or 6 hours would go by without a cigarette. This reminds me of
one of those pockets of resistance, during the cocaine extinction process. Naturally, I would
be dead against any young person taking up smoking. Some how by being in their presence
I am now the one who is getting the message. In order to solidify the message I will get out
there and talk about the addiction to tobacco. Paradise for me is the crack-free lifestyle I
have a handle on today. Just this afternoon I was invited to do a boardroom bread sale. The
people involved are the great Bakery supporters I've written about before. They continue to
keep their hand in. Some other deficits will be addressed in the future. Probably, in the near
future, I'll have nothing left to confess. There's a stretch.............

The Long and Short of It.......

They say a good story should be like a woman's skirt, long enough to cover the subject
but short enough to keep it interesting. Today's tale has the usual combo of lifes' ups
and downs. I had a great sales experience last Friday and today I had the lower rungs
of the ladder with a cooking demo for kids. I was off my feed a little this afternoon.
On the other hand, I've seen some real good moves at work lately. The Bakery is in
evolve mode these days. When the direction is focused, who knows what heights can
be attained. For my part, I continue to communicate with a generous group of corporate
folks who lend their support by doing the right thing. Buying the bread we bake. They get it!
As I turned the 5 year corner recently, I pause to see all of the support I've been granted.
The chance to be an asset was presented and accepted. I believe the future may hold some
promise, judging from the preceding half decade. In keeping with the spirit I have the
opportunity to cross new thresholds. A major internal conflict has subsided and this will
leave room for new healthy adventures.

One Step Forward....

This weekend marks 5 years without cocaine. None, zero, zip. The goal set.....the goal met.
For sure, this is one step forward. I am happy to have made it to this point. A sense of
satisfaction is attached. I believed I could abstain and I did. It is, for me, a moment in
time to reflect on how the past was not repeated. The opposite of denial and the associated
insanity of it all. Being a crack addict doesn't have any redeeming qualities. It's all bad!
The past week produced a great sales opportunity or two at work. The Bakery is having
some very good luck with new personnel. Cooking with kids again. They asked for a few
summer demos and I thoroughly enjoyed the first one. Working with the children continues
to be a high point in my life. I seem to fit in a groove when showing young people how to
work their way around the kitchen. Every now and then things just click. Even today,
a friend popped over and we enjoyed a beverage on a sunny patio in the Beach. It made
me think about this web log, a sort of trigger to get another post out there. So there you
have it... the 5 year report. I just started to take another step...........

The Home Stretch.......

Life is sometimes like a play don't you think? A beginning, a middle and an end. Often a comedy and sometimes a tragedy. Different acts with a variety of characters. Let's face it, we're not alone. They say 6 billion plus are milling about at any given time. Always in flux. This opens the door for a lively set of experiences. Some will be sensational and others a little more dramatic than we would care for. I had a less than stellar one this week at work. Of course the usual suspects played their parts. I came away from the event with a new attitude about my response regarding inter-personal stressors. The last few years have seen a goal set but not yet attained to practise under-reacting in sticky situations. The last time I was presented with the chance to be cool under fire, I did not hit the mark. Naturally, I paid a price for my choice of behaviour. I will allow that I was quick to pick up the pieces and move forward. I recognized immediately there is only one way to go and that led me to make my next move. I went out and got 3 more sales opportunities for the Bakery on the same day of the battle. This was the tonic I needed and reminded me that I am on the home stretch. Next weekend a goal I set 5 years ago has the chance to cross the finish line. I will keep you posted.

Small Victories.....

It just so happens I had one, a small victory, on Friday the 18th. In my job at the
Bakery, I have to guesstimate how much bread to bring to a Corporate sale. This is a
bit tricky sometimes and I have been wrong a few times. Wrong always translates into a loss for the business, something we try to avoid. The flip side is the sale yesterday at high noon in the King and Bay area. Took along 250 units of baked goods, sold 242, returned 7 ... ate one! This turned out to be a fairly good guess. Revenue topped a grand and it took a couple of hours max. This experience is another in a growing list of things I participate in that are the opposite of my previous addictive behaviour. On the same day, I was asked to do a few cooking demos this summer by the people I work with at the City. This represents a good day for me. Something to strive to repeat whenever possible. The effort I've put into networking is continuing to mature. There are more opportunities ahead I'm sure. Even today I did a little work in the positive zone handing out flyer's door to door. Made sense to do the job as it benefits me directly. These kinds of actions are the one's that are louder than words. To those of you who've exercised support, I thank you.....

Them Changes.....

Two weeks off is enough. Back into the fray I go. I've been going through it lately.
Them changes. A little web log reflection and of course new developments have been
surfacing of late. The most sizable is my participation in a cooking camp for kids.
A group of people have joined forces to take a stab at developing and promoting a
summer camp for 2 weeks in August. It is very similar to my job at the City. The only
real difference is twofold. More children per class and way more hours per day. Yikes! This is one of those cases of "I know I can do it" and I'm going to give it my best shot. It will be a challenge to engage 6 to 12 year olds for 6 hours per day. Of course I won't be alone. Two fine young people will work with me daily. Sounds like a team to me. You can take a look at http://www.kitchenwizards.ca Corporate bread sales are on the upswing this week. Two of the Big 5 are doing in house sales this Friday and it should be good for the Bakery. That's why we do it. Let us not forget that other bastion of positive interaction in the community, the United Way. They have been in touch a fair bit lately with requests to continue sharing and naturally I am more than happy to oblige. Well there you have it, a whole post without any references to the uncomfortable (read sordid) past. I'm looking ahead today........how about you?

A Point Below Zero......

When she arrived at the door that Sunday morning, my first impression was, "holy shit
it's Kathleen Turner" This is absolute proof to me that when I'm stoned on crack, I see what I want to see. She was delivered to my door by request. I had told one of my crack pals to introduce me to a cocaine party girl. He came through. I had a repeating sex for drugs relationship with her for months. One last session had us in a foolish disagreement about the fee. I stepped in it this time. She left feeling short changed and didn't return. I should have seen it coming. I did not prepare myself for the prostitute and her pimp backlash. It arrived one evening. They made it in and I had my one and only home invasion experience. They got just under a grand and I got a bop on the head with a mock up of a rifle. I have the scar to remind me. This could have been so much worse. I brought this on myself by not playing by the twisted rules that exsist in the drug sub-culture. As far as encounters with women of questionable character go, this person knew the ropes and was very top of her game. I on the other hand chose to inhabit their world without realizing how deep it goes. I could have lost my life that night. It was... a point below zero.

.....Saturday Morning Post.....

Another week in the life has passed and this one had a few ups and naturally, a few downs. I had a corporate bread sale each day, Tuesday thru Friday. This is rare to have 4 in a row but it brought in a few dollars for the bakery and as far as I'm concerned, every sale counts. The wholesale customer I had hoped would develop early, did not. Possibly the location was not compatible with the product we sell. I will not give up on this ongoing opportunity. In the bigger leagues of business there are different challenges. Keeping apace of a faster crowd requires some adjustment, not to mention the learning on the fly that I am experiencing. I have 3 make-up classes with the children and that's it for the semester. I really enjoy the kids and of course look forward to the start of school in the fall to get the ball rolling again. I did not post anything on the blog this week. I think I feel another wave of stories from the past coming on and we'll see this week if it's time to open it up. This coming week has increased work loads at the bakery as the Farmer's Markets are really opening up in June. Well that just about covers it. The weather is making for some very pleasant outdoor time. Think I'll slide, right outside....

The Latest Saturday Morning Post

This past week has been interesting to say the least. A major development regarding
teaching children how to cook is on the horizon. A two week summer camp for kids is
picking up steam and I believe this to be a "next step" opportunity for me. Instead
of 7or 8 kids for one hour per day, this format would see 18 children at a time for
about 6 hours a day for 10 days. This is another layer of responsibility headed my way and as I've said before, each new challenge is a real blessing. It will give me a chance to expand on the experience I presently enjoy with the City Parks Department. Hopefully, a program can be in place for the summer of 2011 with the City. The bakery has quite a few corporate bread sales and Farmer's Markets this coming week, so I will be quite busy. The long weekend is now upon us and I have designated it, apartment spring cleaning time. I have so much junk to throw out and I will be ruthless about it. If I don't use it, out in the trash it goes. I have been putting this off for months but the time is now. Before I sign off I have one
more report. The weight loss program did not see a lot of progress. Food consumption
saw a few positive changes but trips to the gym did not keep pace. I'm working on it
and of course I'll keep you posted. Enjoy your long weekend!

In the Lion's Cage.......Without Whip and Chair

Having crossed the threshold into hard-core cocaine use so many years ago, the dye is
cast. I will never be a successful user. The options are crystal clear, I stay away
and I get to have a decent life. Were I to activate the addiction, the steep decline
would be swift and sure. This particular piece of knowledge is the basis for my day to day living. Just today someone asked me if I would be interested in working part-time at a small club in the Beach as a cook. My first question was, is it a cocaine place? Would people be doing it there late at night? With the answer no not front and center, my decision was immediate, no thank you. It could prove unwise to be in the lion's cage. Defences have been eroded in this area. When the whip and chair are absent the beast has the advantage. For this reason I don't go to clubs late or socialize with folks who party with hard drugs. I am completely familiar with how it all starts out. Fun at the beginning and then the reverse. Hooked on the hard stuff is very similar to a war, easy to get into and hard to get out of. In the last half decade I have gone out of my way to keep away from what I know I can't control. This is always in effect. The decision was automatic. The impulse to use has been replaced with the opposite. It feels good to be on this side of the cage at last!

1773 Days.........and Counting

To be honest, no one is really counting. The 4 digit number in the title was computed
a few minutes ago. I don't count days when it comes to my past, but my future, that's
different. In less than two months , I will be eligible to claim a nickel. Experts all agree that 5 years without using the drug of choice is the template for success. Of course, I'll cross that bridge..... For today, I focus on the moments ahead. I've been in touch with some people with serious profile recently. They, of course, are an inspiration to me. I am capable of communicating with them. We find common ground. This may lead to interpersonal successes. For many years this level of interaction was out of reach. Obviously a change has occurred and this movement into the positive zone is a blessing. Every now and then, something akin to a miracle will stop by. I've been struck by that particular bolt. To those of you out there, and I'm sure you know who I refer to, thank you very much. My life has changed dramatically, a complete 180. The days ahead will have their challenges, no doubt. There is, naturally, strengh in numbers and I hope to build enough support one day to help someone else who would like a chance at a better life, just like the one I now enjoy.

You Guessed It.............Saturday Morning Post

Very interesting week has just passed with lots of positive interactions. Corporate
bread sales were a success and new contacts have been enlightening. I had the pleasure of participating in the taping of a cable cooking show on Friday evening. A great experience and I'm looking forward to see the final product in late August. The guy who was causing problems at the cooking class for kids was dealt with swiftly this week. Nothing wrong with a little justice for all concerned. The Sheridan College students who did the doc gave me an excerpt of their work and I can tell you that it's true, the camera puts 10 pounds on you. I guess the other 15 I must have put on all by myself! What a sight to see, or should I say fright. At least I know what to do about it. Less food and more gym. This is one of those problems that is correctable. It will take some effort and lifestyle adjustment. I have got to figure, if I can stop smoking crack, dropping 15 to 20 pounds is within my grasp. The same process applies. Look at the issue without denial and take action. This personal project will be shared in my blog, so once a week I will give a report as to my progress. Coming up is a lunch date on Monday with a very nice lady and some new developments at the bakery. It just keeps coming. Opportunities abound. Have yourself a great weekend.

Finding the Hole to Fix..........

Strong feelings about fixing the hole are the prerequisite to finding it. This is
especially true when the hole has been camouflaged by drugs for many years. I think
it unlikely I would be this far along in my discovery, had I not done the type of
self-research I embarked on years ago. I looked at a variety of subject matter such
as the effect of being adopted over 50 years ago, just might have had on me. Being of
mixed race and the feelings associated with that, particularly in my early years. I
see I had a platform to develop certain negative esteem states. Separation individuation appears to have been very abrupt. The rejection factor in relation to the adoption process can manifest itself in a way that causes compensatory behaviours. Individuals handle super-stress in some strange and complex ways. I found that the mechanisms of defense we use as human beings has a wide range. In order to improve my lot in life I tracked down the defenses that are of the optimum value for fixing the hole. At the top of the list is suppression. It is the one most highly associated with mental health. By modulating emotional conflict or internal and external stressors, a degree of stoicism is achieved by postponing but not ignoring wishes and by subjectively minimizing, but again not ignoring disturbing problems, feelings, and experiences. Some others I understand are self-assertion, anticipation, humour and of course self-observation. I don't want to get too psychiatric with you............. but I guess I already did!

Must be another..........Saturday Morning Post

I gave the web log a week long holiday but back to the keyboard I go. My work week
was relatively uneventful save for one incident during the Cooking for Kids class.
Some people tend to leave common courtesy off their to do list. Being responsible
for 7 or 8 children, some as young as seven years old, is something I don't take lightly. The person in question has a history of conflicts at this particular workplace and decided to spread some of his personality around. This was not a good scene. As adults we have a duty to set a positive example for the little ones. This gentleman did the exact opposite. I told him so and he created another big stink. The powers that be now have to deal with this and hopefully a new attitude will prevail. I have a great bread sale opportunity on Wednesday this week and I did a sampling on Friday that hopefully will lead to another new customer. I sent an email to the boss at the bakery yesterday telling him that I had been experiencing some good vibes at work. The bakery has had some personel changes as of late and these have been for the better. Some unhappy types have departed and the new blood is a welcome change. You know, the proverbial breath of fresh air.

Pornography.........and the Single Crackhead

It's available. Pornographic images for all to see. A click away. Anything goes. Pick
a desire and surf. I think that cocaine and Internet porn are cousins. More than kissing cousins I bet. At some point during the fog I discovered this medium with a crack pipe in my hand. Double hooked is one way to put it. This is a good time to tell you about set and setting. One way that the addicted brain keeps on the same destructive path is by making associations with a set of euphoric memories. When I was not on coke, the rush of just thinking about a past encounter would stimulate the setting up of the next episode. Plans are made in the world of set and setting. The right amount of booze and a specific amount of crack would be purchased and voila, a party of one. All kinds of variations on this theme occurred. Drooling in front of a screen, high as a kite, should be descriptive enough. Looking in the rear view, I realize that I substituted real intimacy with pornography. The obvious isolation factor is lost on addicts because they have made an adaptation to settle for less, just to get the next high. I see sexual life without cocaine intriguing. Can you imagine doing it, intimacy that is, for the first time as a 50 something? If I behave myself, which is easier to do these days, I may just succeed.

The May 1st..............Saturday Morning Post

The weekend is here and the time is right for dancing in the street. Well maybe I'm a
little overboard, but the attitude is a positive one. My holiday week is done and it
was a pleasure not to wake up at 4am for a change. I got a few things done and made
some new contacts. Another follower joined the blog on Friday and this is always a
pleasant surprise. I'm using the first of the month to get started on a couple of
personal projects. These will be revealed in the coming posts. The bakery is going
through some changes, as usual, and the new wholesale customer that shows some promise is officially on board. It looks like a slow start but the potential is there for all involved to reap some rewards. Corporate bread sales are starting to wind down for the summer months but a few will remain as there is room on Fridays to keep them supplied. Cooking for Kids is in the final month and takes a big break for almost 4 months. I'm sure I'll miss the children through the summer but maybe next year a Cooking Camp can be developed with the City Parks Department. I will work on a proposal in the months ahead and see if we can enhance the learning experience for the kids. Well, I guess that's all folks. Another post is in the works for tonight. Until then.............

The Bugler Theory......

Talking out loud about something serious like being a coke freak for over two decades
has it's advantages. I remember one month in 2008 I gave 36 speeches in a span of 22
business days. Every event had me telling complete strangers how I had lived as a crack addict for years. It was the peak of my experience with the United Way. They gave me the outlet to test the theory. Talking publicly about finally quitting has helped to keep it in the forefront of my mind. It is clearly a reinforcing agent. I believe that I have been given a great opportunity to express my regret. Sharing with people has this liberating effect on me while at the same time inspiring others to know that they too can overcome an obstacle in their own lives. This combination of give and take has healthy interpersonal skill written all over it. This convinces me to continue on the the public speaker path. It's almost like a dream. It would have been impossible to achieve this real time social networking had I been silent. Fear of exposure disappears if you do the exposing yourself. In measured amounts, opening up has proven to be a valuable tool in the recovery process. As you can see from the October numbers of '08, I was busy. Baking and talking work for me. That's the theory.

This Week's .......Saturday Morning Post

A busy week for me is winding down, finally! A good week it was with 3 small corporate bread sales and the preparation for a new wholesale customer. This one looks very promising and I've done all I can to keep it smooth. My one week holiday I planned for the last week of April is looking much more like a working holiday, whatever that means. There is the new customer to start off correctly, a speech next Wednesday to a group of grade 7 students, the usual compliment of cooking classes for the kids (4 afternoons) and a corporate bread sale on Friday. Am I on holidays yet? The spring weather is a real groove. My favourite time of year. I enjoy being outside watching the trees and flowers come alive with their colours. I don't remember noticing this back in the bad old days, when I was hooked on crack. This is one of the simple pleasures of leaving that horrible lifestyle behind. I even got a serious haircut yesterday to usher in the season. Two other items of note are, a large corporation will give us a bread sale op once a month at their headquarters starting May 12th and the advanced class for the children who want it will be available this fall. Things just keep building up for the better. Time to get outside and enjoy the day. Go ahead.....Have a wonderful day!

A Level of Dependence....

Dependence on cocaine everyday was a nightmare. When I awoke from the sleeping gas,
the world I had ignored came calling. Now, my day to day life is filled with real events. The path I have chosen toward the permanent exit from crack involves a great deal of counterconditioning. I focus a lot of my attention on doing things that are the opposite of crack addiction. This is deliberate. I really get out there in public. I get my high from new sources. It may well be an acceptable obsession to be known. Let's face it, exposing to the world at large that I did something stupid for 25 years, can go either way. I've seen so much support from so many. I've kept up my end of the bargain. All requests from others to tell my tale are measured by instinct. I've had little experience, until now, on how to carry myself on the positive avenues of life. As the road ahead opens up, reinforcement management takes center stage. I repeat actions that generate results. This way I get the feedback I need. The message remains the same. Keep the rudder steady and don't look back. If I contine to share what I've learned about shedding this bad coat, I can't lose. I'm going to go with what I know. Popularity is an accident. In the end all that matters is character.

Constabulary Intervention........A Real Close Call

When people hear the the word intervention, it usually conjures up images of family
members and counsellors confronting an addict on television. The alternate version is
6 burly drug squad officers kicking in the door before dawn. It was what one might call, a rude awakening. The 5th time, I saw them coming. They decided to do a daylight raid and this led to a little lead time to hide the contraband. The house was packed with evidence, but the last time, somehow they missed it all. This was the real close call I refer to in the title. This was also my final visit from the boys in blue. It was 1981. I didn't do any time in jail back in those years. I was lucky. I remember one of the narcotic officers told me that, if they scared me into quitting "our job is done". Losing your freedom over drugs is bad deal. Not worth it at all. The record I have, while decades old, is still with me today. The elephant never forgets. I didn't think it mattered back then. So now I live with the consequences. The record I have impedes travel. It denies me job opportunities. I'm thinking, this all drug lifestyle was a bad choice. I have a respect for the police. They try to manage the real bad guys for the rest of us. I have had some success in being one of the good guys. I think I'll keep it that way.

Ye Olde Saturday Morning "Post"

The sun just came out so it's time for the weekly review and preview of the week ahead. I had a good visit with a potential new client for the bakery. Time will tell how this develops but the initial response to our product was very positive. A few staff have decided to exit the bakery experience at the end of the month. New people are being trained and 2 of the recent hires are good folk with flexible attitudes. A social purpose enterprise like St. John's requires a degree of understanding that some people can not wrap their heads around. The inability of senior staff to share their knowledge with the volunteers and others often leads them out the door. I am looking to take the Cooking for Kids class to another level by adding an advanced class this fall for those who have completed the course at least twice. This would add a new dimension to the learning experience for the children. And it is for them
that I put my heart and soul into it. I have asked my sister, a pro in the world of media, to take a look at my web log and see if it could be structured into book form. This is the big step, the one I can't do alone. So I reach out and ask for assistance. Well, there you have it. The past weeks thoughts are a wrap and the week ahead has a couple of bread sales and a new client coming on board for the first time. I'll be posting again later today.

Deactivating the Addiction.......The Off Switch

Fumbling in the dark for a spell, it finally happened, I found the off switch. I, one of the many I'm sure, have stumbled right into a new groove upon getting their hand on the switch. Keeping it in the off position is called maintenance. How I facilitate this will be a telling tale. There is no hiding a crack addiction. It is so black and white. The grey zone I travelled in consisted of stops in regions of hope. Sometimes when I was wired on cocaine I'd start putting a few pieces of the puzzle together. Not enough to maintain, until now. The trick is and will always be to take charge. Bull by the horns describes it. Feelings associated with this mindset are dynamic. I make sure I am too busy doing real-time to waste time with old times. How I act in everyday situations, is a reflection of lessons learned. Mistakes are part of the human nature party pack. We all fit this profile. Staying mistaken is no longer on the list of options. I remember the day I flicked the switch. I did it alone. Sifting through the memories of that time is pleasing. With so much of the past unappealing, whenever I catch a wave I'm on it. Deactivation Complete.

The Emotion of Interest

Motivation. Boy, did I ever need some to come to terms with my cocaine addiction. If it is
true that emotion is the heart of motivation, I needed to develop the emotion of interest. Goal-oriented behaviour, completely absent during the drugged out years, is
starting to show itself. I took a genuine interest in the solution to the crack hook
and the change had a chance to take root. I'll have to say right now I didn't know that interest was an emotion. But after a second look I'm a believer. The results I've seen in my life lately have become the proof. All emotions have a unique capacity to impel action. The goal was to end the cocaine use. I thought it out. I asked questions. I researched the problem. Safe to say, I got emotional with interest. Hard to say why this time and not 10 years ago. What could have been has no impact for me. They were the actions of the day. The past is concrete. The level of interest I have today in positivity is part of the driving force behind battles won. Interest in improvement is one of the cards in the deck I deal. If there is something to improve, then I should. My life as a crack addict is over. I have no
interest in recidivism. I do however have a great interest in my own well-being.

The Detox Experience......

I've had a few. The absolute first step. The setting is best described as asylum- esque. The human addict condition in the the harshest light. A number of the hospitals in Toronto have a detox as part of their services. They all have a file with my name on it. A dubious distinction to be sure. The good news is there are no recent entries. August 2005 was my last admission. The last time was just that. The memories are somewhat positive because I was always totally straight during my stays. I recall some poor souls who would be using drugs while in the detox system. Even I could see that this was a line to never cross. How can someone stay clean in the real world if they are using in a detox. So you see, right out of the gate temptation is ever-present. I'm abstaining right beside others who are not. Some locations have rooms for 2 to 4 others are the dorm model. The smell, the sickness, the seizures. Need I go on? Probably the hardest job in the recovery community. Working with people at the bottom of the barrel, at their worst. I got a start in those environments by always volunteering for kitchen duty. Feeding the others was a job with a little bit of trust attached. The staff would let the few of us experience a degree of control. The ultimate baby step. And then there were the bed bugs......

The Saturday Morning Post........

Yes folks it's that time again. Another week is in the books and it was a tough one.
I had a few uncomfortable moments this week. Other people, you know, and my reaction to them. One thing is for sure. I can't change the people but surely I can modify my responses. Enough about the negatives, how about the good stuff. I'm off this morning to flip burgers, a lot of them, at the 23rd annual Spring Sprint down on the boardwalk. This is another community involvement opportunity and I'm all for it. Every year I do something at this event simply because they asked me. Finally, a new account I've been working on for months, came calling. I'll make the long trip to their head office and show them the bakery's finest samples. If they decide to come on board, it could result in start of a "beautiful business relationship". You never know at the outset how these things will turn out, but I always hope for the best and give it my best shot. I discovered a new "follower" had joined my web log on Wednesday. Welcome aboard! It is nice to have people show an interest in my story. I have 25 years of material to share and I've only pumped out a fraction of it. Well, it's time to get out to the grill, feed the hungry post race crowd and participate in life as it unfolds today. To you all, have a wonderful weekend.

Accomplishments..........101

Aaccomplishments, even small ones, I found to be extremely therapeutic. In the last 5
years I have gained a lot by trying out new things and opening my mind to new ideas.
I have been very vocal about this hoping to shed some light on the way out of a hard
core addiction. I stopped smoking crack and I firmly believe others can too if they
took a look at the list of things they are not doing. Self-care is out the window as a
full-time drug addict. Ambivalence reigns supreme. Ambition is lost in the fog. All
of a sudden I discover, when I put down the pipe for good, the coin has another side.
I am capable of a short list of skills. These are presented to me one at a time and
my task is to bring them to life. I develop a new pattern of behaviour that attracts
opportunities. I wrote a letter to my sister today and the extended beauty of this is
I had something positive to say about my day to day existence. This is exactly the type of accomplishment I need for continued personal growth. I've shown I can bake organic bread, I can work with children teaching them how to cook and my ability to get up to the podium to speak publicly is on the record. How I feel about myself as an ex-crack addict is personal. It seems like an accomplishment. I'll say that much.

The Origin of Breadmanwalking

Some people may want to know just how did I acquire the handle Breadmanwalking. Back in the spring of 2006, I had a feeling that there was more in me than just baking the bread. The bakery needed a salesman and I expressed an interest in the job. Out on the road I went. My first stop was a cheese shop in the Annex with a big cow in the window. This was the neighbourhood I had lived in during the last year of my crack addiction. I wasn't afraid of visiting the old haunt but I certainly didn't linger. Get in, sell the bread and move on. What I noticed when the weather improved were patios filled with old friends basking in the afternoon sunshine. The light bulb fired up. Two birds with one stone. First was the sales opportunity. All these folks sitting there could be customers. I would bring a large box of various loaves and sell to them right on the patios, then take the money back to the bakery. This was a good first step. The added bonus was the new me on the block. People seemed happy to support this little selling enterprise because they cetainly couldn't get behind what I was up to before. Who could?  A new sense of esteem started to flow. I had a good product and a new outlook on life. I would announce myself as Breadmanwalking at each stop along my route on Bloor St. People picked up on this and the name stuck. After a few months I began to bring in some good accounts for the bakery that still stand today. So there you have it. My domain name on the net is the logical endgame of the humble beginning. We all start sometime, even if we start a little late.

Self-Regulation........the Ultimate Goal

People, like myself, who have lost control long to regain some semblance of control
in their lives. Having finally admitted defeat as a cocaine user, I need to find a way to reestablish self-control. At the beginning of the abstinence from crack, I tried a few new ideas that had been suggested. Top of the list was looking seriously at the triggers to use again. The big daddy of these was, of course, money. The first step was finding a trustee. I did that. Next was to make weekly deposits to the person all the while keeping some funds on hand for me to use wisely. After a couple of months, $500.00 was in the kitty. Saving money as an active crack addict did not happen. It never would. This trustee business worked. You see, there is an element of humility included in giving up control of part of the money earned at the start of the recovery process. I had been unwilling to try this before. New idea, new results. This set the stage for so many other positive experiences as I began, for the first time in 25 years, to take control of my future. This breakthrough, giving up control of the funds actually created control. I no longer fell off the wagon each time I got paid. I have had lots of money on many occasions and not once in 5 years has it been used for cocaine. Fact is, I stopped pulling the trigger. Thanks to Peter for being the trusted trustee!

The Saturday Morning "Post".........Easter Edition

The long weekend is in full bloom and the weather is, in a word, delightful. A few good news items to report such as, we had a really fruitful corporate sales day on Thursday. The bakery staff produced some seasonal treats that were a big hit with our customers. Good work from all involved. The kids cooking classes are under way again and I had the good fortune to experience a special needs child in my Wednesday class. It was a wonderful surprise to include this young man. So many new faces this semester and of course the usual compliment of repeaters. From the go big or go home department comes this news flash. I decided to submit my contact information, blog and brief story outline to the Oprah website. It was a fun idea and I got a kick out of doing it. The beauty of this move is that I have no expectations, so I can not be disappointed. Closer to home, the students from Sheridan Media Studies are back again for more footage. I meet with them today for shots at the bakery and at the lake. Speaking of that large body of water at the foot of my street, I was on the boardwalk yesterday for a short stroll. I remember when I moved to the Beach almost 5 years ago, I had an epiphany at the lake. It is so big and I'm so small. Some will say that there is a healing property associated with large bodies of water. I tend to agree as I have often joked with my friends that " the lake saved me". So far so good.

Post-Coke Depression..........A Motivator

This is the piper come to call. The downside. Getting too high on cocaine, for too long has a real long tail on it. The crash is devastating. Days of hiding from the world. Binge eating. No wonder, food drops to the bottom of the to do list on crack. Basically unemployable, unbridled expressions of anger in public. More hiding in the grungy basement apartment where the action had taken place. Bad location to get well. I can tell you all right now, post-coke depression is one of the powerful motivators that keeps me off the pipe. In the first year, if an urge to use knocked, I would not answer the trap door. Just the thought of the consequences became enough to steer me clear. This was the foundation of finally becoming an ex-crack addict. An impulse to use was and is now handled with the same thought process. I don't want to feel that bad anymore. Today, in my life, the up is not worth the down. The years I have left will not be plagued by the discomfort of the past if I don't repeat it. As it always has been, I make the call. This web log and the effort I have invested is the latest motivator. This too would be lost if I revived the addiction to cocaine. Turns out I have made my choice and I know it's the right one. I feel better without it.

The Crack Infested Roach House..........

To those of you who've never been in a crack house, keep it that way. They are ugly.
All of them. The only good memory I have of them, is exiting. Everyone in the place
was sick. I mean real sick, as in twisted. A horrible experience for any human being. I was in and out of them for 16 years. The insanity level was at it's peak in those hell-holes. I remember grovelling for another hit when the cash flow dried up. Waiting for hours on end for someone to arrive with the goods. The violence was scary. One episode had a girl, about half my size, smashing me in the forehead with a glass ashtray after I threatened her with a chair. The blood flowed and people were trying to get me to go for stitches. Not a chance was I leaving. I might miss another turn at the pipe! That is a perfect example of the drive that takes over. Nothing, short of a police raid, could get me to budge from my addictive perch. Leaving meant coming down and that sensation was to be avoided. The depression that follows a cocaine binge is enormous. The feeling is so bad, so uncomfortable that the easiest way to eleviate it, is of course, more crack. I would sell everything I owned. I did this many times. Looking back at that time in my life is upsetting. I can only tell you how glad I am that it's over. I got out in time. Just in time!

The Antidotes to Addiction.......Joy and Competence

In the first 2 years of my abstinence from cocaine, I noticed a real shift in my level of interest in simple everyday occurrences. I began to take pleasure in people, activities and things that were available to me. My mother described it one day as me finally connecting with the earth. So be it. Nature itself took on a special significance. Trips down to the lake became ritualized. Normal functioning led to real rewards as opposed to the artificial rewards generated by crack cocaine. The removal of the barrier presented by the addiction, helped me to experience those real rewards. Therapy provided intermediate rewards through functional realistic action. The addiction was short-circuiting my achieving any of the real-world rewards. With the potential for joy restored, the next step was my ability to master relevant parts of the environment. The quiet confidence began to emerge. A surprising number of accomplishments stacked up as I became much more self-reliant. A balanced set of gratifications will never be achieved through the addictive lifestyle. This is so clear to me now. Positive expectations are gained by an active involvement in the
community and society as a whole. Joy and competence, two pills, easy to swallow.

The Saturday Morning "Post".........

This is the second morning post. I like starting off Saturday with an update of the
past week's comings and goings and of course what the immediate horizon has in store.
I got some good news this week at the bakery. A chain store has approached to take
our product in a few of their stores. If this is handled correctly, it could be a
real benefit to one of our bottom lines. It is official, the cooking for kids is now
4 days per week. I start a Monday class this week. This is good for my bottom line.
My little enterprise http://www.owttolunch.com/ has seen increased orders again this week. I'm getting up to 10 orders per day. I believe this will only increase over time. My sister and family, back from Europe, emailed this week. She keeps inspiring me to keep the web log humming along. She is a professional writer and I'm a rookie so any tips she offers are gold! The kids making the mini-doc are still hovering, looking for additional footage to compliment their story. I continue to offer any assistance I can. Some other little details surfaced this week and they will be shared in the postings that follow. I've got some big corporate sales this week and another of the Big 5 has come on board for the bakery. A good week, if I do say so myself!

Pockets of Resistance......

During the lost years, there were these pockets of resistance. I would put down the
crack pipe and gravitate towards something more wholesome. Of course these episodes
didn't have the staying power of what I see today. The fact remains that every time I tried to put it down, I was failing in the right direction. I tried a college course, an adult upgrading course and a home remedy, but still, I cracked up. Back on the pipe before each project was finished. This is where I stop the criticism and remind myself that each of those experiences were the steps I climbed to get out of hell. One of the pockets found me struggling to come to terms with 514 days of complete sobriety only to end up at the corner of Landsdowne and Bloor. That was a bad day! We humans have them. The resistance to a favourite temptation, is sometimes difficult to maintain. The strategy one employs to slay the dragon has to be once and for all. When I look back at the effort I attempted, I can see that getting out and staying out, are a narrow margin. I benefited from my coke-free interludes. It was the break in the action that offered some peace, in a world of bad vibes and bad decisions.

Regaining Trust.........a Building Block Approach

As an active crack addict, I was not to be trusted with very much of anything. As an ex-crack addict I will spend years building trust with others and accepting the fact that some relationships cannot be salvaged. This is a consequence of the anti-social behaviour I exhibited for a quarter century. I am responsible for all of the collateral damage. It is true that some folks are more forgiving than others. It is with them that I will start laying the new foundation. I decided to start "Out to Lunch" a very small catering service. I realized that if people are going to put food in their mouths that I have prepared, there is an element of trust built in. Interesting how this natural form of trust was available for me to develop. The fact that I am the instuctor of cooking classes for children, is the version of trust that had to be earned. My current behaviour is reflected in my hiring to do this job. I am extremely grateful to have been given this opportunity. This is a huge building block in my recovery. The more of these type of blocks I can place before me, the stronger the foundation. People see me in a new light and this opens the door for other chances to shine a little brighter. The road is not without its' twists and turns, but it is so much easier with the added dimension of trust. Thanks to the staff at B.R.C. for this one!

Self-Development and Lifestyle Reorganization.......

Quite a mouthful, to be sure, but the title is really what it's all about. They say
that people with chronic addiction issues often suffer from a stunted growth of the
personality. It probably makes sense that a person who is focused on drug abuse early-on in life, may have missed some of the natural development of his or her peer group. My drug use began in earnest around the age of 15. Had it been a once in a while occurrence, sort of a back burner thing, I would not be writing this web log. I was full-time into it. I now have to grow up at the age of 54! Better late than the alternative. Daily living for me is sometimes very challenging. I'm new to many things most people take for granted. I have to pay attention to the decision making process. Impulses have to be monitored closely, so as not to take backward steps. I don't ignore feelings anymore. I often do internal analysis and take note of changes in my behaviour. Organizing my current lifestyle is a bit of a chore, but for the most part, I'm up to the task. Everybody has problems. I just happen to have a major one that requires a special vigilance. Self-help is just that. I am the one who must do the counselling now. It's a good thing I did my homework, at the library, 5 years ago. No doubt it is reflected in where I stand today.

The Newfangled...... Saturday Morning "Post"

Time for a change. I decided to do the "Post" thing in the morning this week. I've
got my coffee and newspaper. This is the regular routine. Now is the time to share
with you all, how the week went and what the immediate future holds in store. March
Break is behind us now and it was relatively quiet. Sales at the Bakery slowed down
as did the whole city. My catering service had a few busy days and new customers came
on board. This was a welcome surprise. I did the meet for coffee thing with a lady
on Friday. A pleasant experience. I cancelled the party I had planned for the 27th.
It just didn't feel right to go through with it at this time. An instinctual thing.
I got a request to be the subject of a mini documentary. A student at a community
college doing a Media Studies project. At first I was reluctant to participate. I
mulled it over and decided to give it a go. The offer is on the table to do a fourth
Cooking for Kids class Mondays. It amazes me how this keeps growing. I must be doing
something right! The web log you're reading right now has become the latest tool in
my maintenance program. Ex-crack addicts, like myself, are smart to keep adding new
layers of normalizing behaviour into the mix. If I was still on the pipe there is no
way I could find the time to write. That's the beauty of replacement therapy. I didn't just stop a destructive action, I fill my time with constructive action. Lots still left to accomplish. Shopping and chopping is next. I've got orders to fill!

A Therapeutic Community........The Bakery

My first year at the bakery was very challenging, for the staff. I continued with my uneven, unreliable act for the first 8 months. They fired me in the ninth. Your out! I smoked more crack. It was a horrible feeling. Could I finally put an end to this particular madness. The answer appears to be yes. I set a goal at the time to get my job back. I stabilized, called to say so and they hired me back. I tried my best to become an asset. It only makes sense to recognize that this was a major opportunity. For me, the bakery experience is the epitome of recovery. A second chance, when so many would swing the axe. The dignity associated with a job that fits my capabilities was on the table. I had to give up cocaine to receive the gift. Now you know how I saw it. This community of people, all different than myself, are there for their own reasons. If I focus on fixing the hole I dug for myself, I will have made the most of what has been offered. I know that some generous organizations contributed to the infrastructure of the bakery and that I am one of the fortunate recipients. It looks like it is. I got the help I needed. I believe that the model used here has the right idea. Get broken people to work baking bread. Give them something that's rising.

When Cognitive Behaviour........meets Therapy

The structured relapse prevention program I enrolled in a few years back, was a real eye opener for me. Sort of the turning point, after all those torturous years. The course gave me a different perspective on how to tackle the problem. I showed up and paid attention to what the counsellor was telling me. Putting some of the suggestions to work became the challenge. The advice was to abstain from cocaine for 90 days and then do another 90. You see, simple! The truth is, this is exactly what I knew had to be done. So each and every day, through self-regulation, I made the decision. If any urges to use appeared, I thought of the consequences. If you asked me why I stopped smoking crack, I'd tell you "it's because I'm tired of being a loser". There are no winners in the world of cocaine addiction. Just a sliding scale of people losing. I used this new approach and made a personal commitment. No one else can really help in the end. It was up to me. The drugs will always be available. I decided to make myself, unavailable. This is the way out. For me the choice will forever be my own. As I reflect on how it used to be, I'm heartened to see myself in my new roll as a member of the community. Thanks to CAMH in Toronto for the boost!

The Chronic Relapsing Addict.......

It has been said that the definition of insanity is "to be repeating the same behaviour and then expect different results". This is so prevalent in crack/cocaine addiction. As an individual who lived the life, I can share with you the damage and the redemption. My mother told me just the other day, she said son, make sure you tell them how bad it really was, not just the current positive projections. It was dirty! The lows I sunk to are hard to face. The choices I made were so offside I can only use the memories to remind myself "how not to behave". Smoking crack all night in the lane ways at Dundas and Sherbourne is just a tip of the iceberg. The whole ugly, destructive mess was, for the most part, avoidable. The crazy belief that I was going to control use, kept me hooked for 25 years. At least 10 trips to de-tox and 7 rehabs are a testament to my level of denial. I got in deep and stayed in. I remember how I would hold off the urge for months, then one day, fall right back in. The internal dialogue was always the same, I'll control myself this time. What a crock. A relapse is a natural part of the recovery process. It is to be tolerated to a point, then one day, acceptance. At this stage in my journey, I accept the fact that I will never be a successful cocaine user. I took the fork out. I'm done!

Saturday Evening "Post" ............March Break Edition

Well it is now upon us, the Break begins. For me the Cooking for Kids is done till the first of April. I found out this past Wednesday that another 30 plus kids have signed up for the next installment. With only 24 seats available, I am considering adding another class. This thing has more than tripled since I took it on last year. This is in my opinion an accomplishment. I look for stuff like this in my new life. I'm satisfied with this result. I put some good energy into it and received a positive outcome. All steps forward are in the right direction. Other good news surfaced and I'll share those developments in future posts.
My little catering service at http://www.owttolunch.com/ has seen an upswing in orders. Not much, but all new customers are welcome additions. It is good for me to keep busy and this helps to that end. I'm going to work on new menu items this week and see if I can come up with a winner! I won't keep you for long this evening, but I have to report a personal negative. I didn't make it to the gym. One way to improve this situation is to go Sunday. Just do it. So I will. I face the mini-failure head-on and make the move. This is the "correction". I know I can do it. I continue to believe in myself!

From a Cold Room.......to a Warm Room

Believe it or not, I was recently sitting at a table with the President of a bank
and was explaining to him how my life had changed. I used the descriptive phrase
"from outhouse to penthouse" to express the shift from crack addict to active member
of the community. He countered my statement with the title above. I soon realised
that there are options when it comes to the way I communicate with people. Being a
long term drug abuser, I would naturally develop a "personality" that would adopt a
certain rhetoric. The language used in the hardcore drug world is very unique and
aggressive. Most of it I've left behind, but some of the terms and lingo remains.
If it has a humorous bent, I sometimes refer to this style of speaking. What I have
discovered is appropriateness. I am willing to look at how I talk to others and make
changes. If a certain language makes others uncomfortable, why not drop it. This is
another example of the personal growth that I've been exploring in the last few years. One thing I've noticed is the learning curve is always present, unless I choose to ignore it. The man who offered me the "cold room/warm room" analogy is a successful, productive member of our community. His words stuck with me and I respect him for sharing them. I guess it's true after all, "when the student is ready, the teacher appears"